How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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