Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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