your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
