I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
