Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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