every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
