I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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