I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
