Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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