onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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