why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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