she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
