so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
