So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
