We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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