I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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