His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Are my feet made of real feet?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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