i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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