I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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