The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
