She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
