batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
