Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
