i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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