i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
