I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Hippo gnu deer
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
