Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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