I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
last night I used snow as a chaser
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
