some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
