remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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