I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
