If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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