People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
