we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
