I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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