Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Randomize
