wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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