what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
