Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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