I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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