Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize