so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
