The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
