Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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