Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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