when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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