You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I pour the whiskey from now on
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
