Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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