I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
