she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
