If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
