Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
