I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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