Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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