So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
