At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
