Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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