some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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