Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
