Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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