This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
farters have to be the big spoon...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
